How I got my First Job


Let me introduce myself. I am God. Yes, a God, whom all you humans revere and worship fanatically. You have given me so many names, but I prefer to be known by my birth name Sanjay. Pretty regular huh? That’s because I was born a human.

Let me tell you something about Gods. First of all there are 75 of us currently. We were all born human, and have moved a long way from the archaic rituals and practices you follow. Every human has the potential to become a God but they have to go through an ideological rite of passage. An application of sorts. Our job is pretty much administration. We audit every human’s life experience to weigh Good against Bad and accordingly assign a karmic retribution. We also govern the organizational structure of the human realm, and meet annually to see what changes we can make. Let me give you a relevant example: When we saw the human population rise beyond necessity, we initiated a worldwide pandemic.

So in short think of me like a Director of a company, but only it’s not a company – it’s the world. We had some of our tenured Gods retire and are opening up opportunities to train more humans to become Gods. As a result, I was asked to share my story on how I attained my Godship.

I will start by saying this, we ARE different from you. Don’t be fooled by my candidness. We don’t see the world the same way as you do. That’s why only a select few human beings can qualify for Godship.

The way we see the world is very pessimistic. To become us, you have to ingrain our code of conduct:

There is nothing such as “fulfillment” or “content”. What you have, another craves. There is no concept of Human Potential. What you are, another strives for. There is no “good” and there’s no “bad”. If being a millionaire is good for you, others see it from envious lens. There is no life and there is no death. There is no afterlife as well, there is only karmic rewards and punishments. Understand that the world is a two-dimensional structure only governed by ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. And ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ does not equate to ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Shoplifting a loaf of bread worth $2 might be a ‘bad’ thing in the eyes of Human Justice but it is justifiable from the Eyes of God. Understand this and you will be worthy of our way of life.

You see, since I was a human child, I always lived on the fringe of society. I was never preferred within my family nor in my peer groups. I wasn’t bullied but I wasn’t acknowledged as well. I was definitely hurt in the beginning but through the years I could understand why. Humans lived in a realm where they strive to achieve an ideal. An ideal in terms of beauty, culture, morality, sociability, wealth, health and psychology. An ideal that is not reflective of the direction society takes itself. Upon discovering this in my late 20’s, I made it my crusade to teach my peers what the truth is.

I initially started hosting sessions in my basement where I and a group of my students (who were the same age as me) would talk endlessly to uncover the depths of our psychology. We spoke about everything : childhood trauma, first experiences of intimacy, insecurities, passions etc. After years and years of just collective introspection, we reached a weird conclusion. We started viewing our own experiences from the vantage point of a third person. The third person that does not care one bit of what we went through. Once we started doing this, we realized that traumas, inflicted pain, hurt and disturbances did not hold much weight anymore. We realized that “pain” is a tool used to punish and “love” is a tool used to reward. Much of society is governed by pain and by love. We crave for love and try to avoid pain.

But after all pain and love are both constructs of nature, aren’t they? As humans we questioned why would God cause us pain, if he had the power to provide us with endless love. So we took a different turn, we tried to discover pain a little bit more. We approached pain with no sense of good and bad. We first started to physically throw punches at each other. Then it escalated to hitting each other in the shin with a baseball bat once a week. We kept doing this until our nerves grew numb. But the truth is that there is no pain greater than emotional pain.

We came to the concluding that emotional pain is a matter of trust being broken. That’s when we started to betray our loved one’s trust. It started with one of my students, Vikas being promiscuous in his marriage and breaking his wife’s trust in him. Then another student, D’Angelo, borrowed $100,000 from his father to “start his own business”, which he took to the casino to gamble it all off. Another person, Jishnu pawned his wife’s jewelry to treat himself with a watch.

Over the years, as we kept doing this with our near and dear ones, we had nobody with us anymore. Only each other. And the only thing left was to betray each other.

The ultimate punishment was “Isolation”. I, being the first person to realize this, achieved this level by poisoning each one of my students in their sleep. I had to face 15 years of jail time (to satisfy humans) but it did not bother me one bit. I was as isolated in jail as I was in society.

And then it was only me. No one knew me or cared about me. I did not know anyone nor did I care for them either. When I saw pain being inflicted on someone, it did not bother me anymore. When someone tried to love me, I did not feel good anymore.

Without the sense of “good” and “bad”, I had achieved tabula rasa. That was when I was recruited. The day I was released from prison, a stranger had come to receive me. He was bald and stocky man with a French beard. He did not look anything like a God. In fact he looked the opposite. He had freckles all over his face and had a dead eye. Anyways, he received me and said he will drive me to where I belong. Once I entered his car, I had lost the sense of time. He kept driving on for hours. Soon hours turned to days, and days turned to months. We never stopped once for food and drink. And he never spoke a word either. After 5 years, 2 months and 5 days of travelling we reached our destination.

He guided me into a nearby house where he showed me a book. A book that consisted of what is right and what is wrong. A book to teach me the philosophy of Gods. A book he had written himself. After a successful interview I was recruited. The only question he asked was, “Who do you selflessly and truly love?” . And my answer was nobody. He replied , “That’s rights. Gods love nobody.”

– Siddharth Bala

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Published by The Street Pandit

Exploring through Time and Space.

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